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Three Things That Prevent Relationship Doom - Lifestyle Articles - Love Ambassadors Ministries


by Pastor Andrew Okwe

In the first article in this series, we looked at the four horsemen of marital apocalypse. Let’s look at the three things that can make them go bye-bye.

From looking at the Masters, three things were discovered that prevented the downward spiral the four horsemen brought into relationships.

    - KNOWING YOUR PARTNER: Also known as ‘building love maps’. It is really knowing your partner inside and out. It was one of the Masters most powerful secrets. “A love map is like a road map you make of your partners internal psychological world. The Masters were always asking questions about their partners and disclosing personal details about themselves.” Why is this so rare? It takes time. And the Disasters didn’t spend that time. In fact, most couples don’t spend that much time.

    One of the studies showed that couples with kids talk to each other about 35 minutes per week. Yeah, 35 minutes! And even most of that was just logistics –‘when will you be there?’ ‘Don’t forget to buy okpa when coming back’—not deep personal stuff like the Masters did.

    - RESPONDING POSITIVELY TO BIDS: No, this has nothing to do with eBay. We all frequently make little bids for our partners attention.

    You say something and you want them to respond. To engage. It can be as simple as saying, “Nice day, isn’t it?”

    It’s almost like a video game—when the person responds positively (‘turning towards a bid’) your relationship gets a point. When they don’t respond, or respond negatively the relationship loses a point... or even five. “The couples who divorced six years later had turned towards bids only 33% of the time. The couples who stayed married had turned towards bids 86% of the time. Huge difference!”

    Couples with high scores build relationship equity. They are able to repair problems. They are able to laugh and smile even when angry. And that makes a big difference. “If you turn toward bids at a high rate, you get a sense of humour during conflict. Humour is very powerful because it reduces physiological arousal during arguments and that been replicated in several studies.”

    - SHOW ADMIRATION: Ever listened to someone madly in love talk about their partner? They sound downright delusional. They act like the other person is a super hero. A saint.

    And research shows that is perfect. Masters see their partner as better than they really are. Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are.

    Admiration is about the story you tell yourself about your partner. And that leads us to how to predict whether your relationship is working or not...

We will look at that in our next article HOW TO PREDICT HOW WELL A RELATIONSHIP IS DOING.